If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
