just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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