How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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