My liver just broke up with me...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
