Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
