He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
