totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
