His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
