Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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