I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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