I will die if light touches me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We have so much sex to catch up on
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
