Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
