I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
