I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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