I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
