Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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