babies were throwing up all over the place
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
3pm strippers are depressing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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