I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
