WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
