I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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