i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm like, not good at living.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
