I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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