I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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