So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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