Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
