I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
