Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
