i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
