Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
