The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
