I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
