i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
