I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
