So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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