New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
