Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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