you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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