He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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