why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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