I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
