Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
