he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
