Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
