Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
