20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
