I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
