I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
