What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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