I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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