made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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