dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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