i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
