i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
