Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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