Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
