yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
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Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
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My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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